Southerners are known for being polite

Over the years, as I have encountered people who traveled to the South, I have repeatedly been reminded, primarily by their comments on our culture, of Southern politeness. To be honest, it never crosses my mind at all, until someone, typically a person from another part of our country, points it out to me. That’s how entrenched it is into my behavior. From a customer service standpoint for those of us running a business of any kind, and for interacting with strangers in public, I think politeness proves to be a useful set of skills. With a few exceptions, being polite takes little effort and can really grease the wheels for a smooth interaction with someone.

How this politeness is displayed

Yes, ma’am and no, sir. Interestingly my parents, despite both of them being born and raised in Alabama, bucked tradition in this way and we were not taught to say these two phrases reflexively as many of my Southern-born friends had been. Only when I moved to a rural area, met my high school best friend, and started practically living at his house did I absorb that particular habit; his Louisiana born mama drilled it into him from birth and I followed suit, particularly since they were usually feeding me. (Best strawberry shortcake you ever put in your mouth!)

Southern children frequently demonstrate respect for their elders by calling non-related adults “Miss” or “Miz” or “Mister” or referring to them as “Aunt” or “Uncle” So-and-So. The awakened part of myself realises this cultural piece stems from plantation days and was carried into the Jim Crow time period and beyond in some cases; when I tune into this darker part of hailing from the Southern states, I cringe and feel a sense of guilt. And the cringing, guilt-laden parts of myself are at war with the pride I carry with regards to other aspects of my cultural heritage. I will likely tackle this more fully in a future blog post.

Expressing appreciation does not belong exclusively to Southern culture, but I feel as if Southerners strive to do this with a high level of consistency. And we thank people in a variety of ways. There’s the classically drawled “thank yew,” gratitude towards a group: “thanks y’all,” and the casual options of “‘pre-she-ate-cha” or “much obliged.” When I hear “thank ya kindly” I visualize my high school crush with his well-worn cowboy boots, his red Chevy pick-up truck, and his crooked grin.

Asking politely - please. Again, I acknowledge those of us raised in the Deep South didn’t corner the market on manners, but most of us see it as a source of pride. It’s what our mamas and daddies taught us, after all. Just as saying thank you is an integral part of our upbringing, saying please when making a request is drilled into all of us from an early age. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Southerners rarely call someone out in front of others, in part going back to the respect aspect of our culture; additionally, we generally want to avoid embarrassing someone and avoid causing conflict in front of “company” or a crowd. More typically we will hold off on giving someone negative feedback until we can get that person one-on-one.

Some folks believe it denote a lack of sincerity

I peeked at a number of blogs when wrapping my brain around this particular aspect of Southern culture, in an attempt to go beyond just my own perspective. The blogs with a clear pro-Southern bent glossed over any challenges with our culturally ingrained politeness, only highlighting the virtues of manners. Several blog posts slammed Southerners as being “fake” because they felt like the politeness we demonstrate on a daily basis prevented them from knowing what Southerners truly think and feel. In some of the more vehemently anti-Southern writing, bloggers implied or sometimes explicitly stated people hailing from the South proved themselves to be two-faced or flat-out liars. Wow.

I genuinely believe that if you took a clipboard and went out and interviewed 100 Southerners from different backgrounds, including various factors: socio-economic-status, geography, race, gender, age, you would find the majority of the people you interviewed would be surprised at the bloggers who interpret our manners as insincere, back-stabbing, or lying. The world can be a difficult place and most Southerners strive to be nice to one another; we consider politeness to be the foundation of being nice. On the flip side, we often prioritize not hurting someone’s feelings over giving them honest feedback and Southern politeness falls woefully short in these situations.

Lack of assertiveness manifests

The concept of Southern politeness contains some significant down sides. As I mentioned earlier, making politeness the focus of interactions prevents us from sharing honest feedback sometimes. Valuable feedback which would likely help the long term outcome of a given situation should be provided to the person in question. If your best friend’s baking projects consistently fall flat, your feedback about the dryness of her blackberry cobbler might prevent her from serving it to the new in-laws she’s trying to impress.

I mentioned earlier that Southerners, out of respect, rarely call someone out in front of others, opting to wait until they can get that person alone to talk. One of the biggest challenges with navigating life to avoid disrespect and embarrassment may mean those raised in the South simply avoid conflict altogether. And, when we avoid facing an issue, it often continues to be a problem and then resentment builds up.

One insidious side to Southern manners: politeness translating into people interacting in the world passively because they cannot bring themselves to “be rude” by standing up for themselves. As a therapist hearing about my clients’ experiences and as a woman raised in the South, I believe certain groups of people to be particularly vulnerable to this concept: women, folks under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, and people of color. When you layer together the cultural norm of Southern politeness with being part of a group experiencing some level of bias and oppression, your voice becomes dampened or altogether silenced.

Growing up, I confused being assertive with being aggressive or being bitchy. Messages from media, family, friends, school, and church combined together to reinforce the concept that a person cannot stand up for themselves without being rude, but the truth is when you’re truly being assertive (versus aggressive), you’re actually measuring your tone, your word choice, and your body language to express your needs and wants. Which means you’re actually still being fairly polite, you’re just not ignoring a problem or agreeing to something you don’t like.

“To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.”

― Edith Eva Eger, The Choice: Embrace the Possible

Call to Action

As a therapist and writer I am constantly learning and growing and examining my own life and how I navigate within it. I need to challenge the parts of Southern politeness contributing to my own inaction and the squelching of my own needs and wants. I may need to give certain aspects of our culture the middle finger, in other words.

How are you navigating in the world? Are you using assertiveness strategies to more effectively obtain what you need and want to be a healthy, well-balanced person?

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm